BITCH

 everything chest and ass off limit to everyone.  not any feminine complimentsr-pe/ p-dophilia/  inc-st*/  microaggressions hit real hard in media   it feels like im being scratched.     propaganda too.   so much pro cop pro military slop i just dont care. i swear i can handle tough topics if they are handled correctly.  my mom has been way better than doesthedogdie so i trust her.     you have been making me wanna watch impractical jokers though.   you was laughing hard.  i geuss its another fault of mine i didnt fill this out first.  it used to bother me just when i would say something like “i like you” or “babe”  and i would get called out on it and it made me think about what i said.    but yeah  i just tried so many times before i exploded to tell you to stop.    the way you eventually responded made me think you understoofd but it never stopped.      you being able to make the choice to do something for me but i cant do something for you back because i have the same feeling you do is a lot and how negative you would be about it.  like i was the one that wasnt deserving.    i do want to keep you so i tried.   but you kept cutting even deeper it just never would’ve ended well.  some other things i did that was lots of work for me more than something simple i was asking even if you didnt use my server. no one uses it . its fine.    its the way again you respond or try to hide things from me .   making me realizing how much ive actually doing like im doing too much.  not that you arent enough but just i m doing too much…  never was supposed to give my discord, phone, server, make a playlist, even just show you my spotify account .    i didnt think anything of it when i did it .  but it just now i have to think about it and how fucking crazy i am.    i want to die lmao.   

  some things my dad used to call me:  little one, sexy, sweetness, comes back to not touching certain places and feminine stuff.     i couldnt even drink out of a straw without being sexualized by that man so like.    i only accept specific sexualizations mostly manly ones.  and doing specific things like rehabbing baby squirrels. no touching from behind like anything even putting an arm around me from the side  is a no go. but like my back being touched from the front is fine lol i like my back scratched idk , placing anything over my legs so i cant move i will go into feral mode and id rather not knee the shit out of you

.um so ocd, bipolar schizo, bpd,  ibd, sd, kp,  acid reflux , gastritis.. ,adhd, dyslexia off the top probablt more.      im most horrified of the skin ones and the gastro stuff cause i dont want to get fluids or my dandruff on anyone.     thats why like.   facing each other i cant be on top and my chest needs to be cut off .   wjhich if you like someone is the best way.    oh well.    kp is basically i have permanent goosebumps as like an allergic reaction to the products i use.   mostly just hate how they look but they arent itchy or anything. im just cursed.

 im really willing to talk now like in general before anything .  for you but.   i havent had a good track record with it .  i really hope you at least try to understand what i say.   i know my typing is horrirble but usidjhfuidshifosejoidjoisjsdo. you know its just a lot easier to leave which was my go to.    im really trying well.  add that to another one of the things im not supposed to be doing.  if i can fix whats bothering by talking i want to .   very rare i decide to agree to disagree instead of just leaving but at that point yeah cant talk about it at all,its okay to ask but actual touch should be initated by me first . if you dont ask i might freak out.im really bad again at being publicly affectionate.  i did most my affection in private that even the person i was doing it for didnt realize.  it wasnt just the last person that has problems with my repression..   all of them claimed they wanted me to be more open about it.   again. fucking lyyyyiing.  

being private mostly cause i didnt want to be called out on it and think about it. but im gay yeah.   never enough and when i was a non stop blabbermouth trying to love everybody nobody could stand me  thats how i know.   they are lying.   i need to find some type of middleground cause like if soulmates are real i want to be worthy.  me putting myself out there is really hecking hard though. horrible. ill die instead.thanks for not harrasing me about it. I will probably still need to take breaks after I be gay for awhile but since you are such a champ I will probably not have to be gone for months afterward.  Saying same thing back is better than calling me out. i know kissing can be good now as of recently….. but it used to be my most hated thing to do .    im scared. mmm eye contactcant hug.

Abelist language is a lot for me but somehow it’s okay if asuka says it https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZP8Ac8dk8/
i cant find just the clip but this has been living in my head rent free https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mtopvODV8UU38 min.  Specific people it’s a lot worse to hear say it.

more random triggers this is a mess. mental hospitals.  i used to be able to handle it fine in media even after my first visit but i cant do that since the last one. Animal death self explanatory Body fluids Roaches adam sandler jim carrey 

I usually can’t talk when I eat

thanks for saying sex worker instead of anything else that hurts. 

sensory issues:unteated wood, plastic, shower cutrians